I can be vengeful. That doesn’t seem to dissipate with age. I wonder if it’s because I am writing the Book of Blues prequel and I share this trait with the main character. Without doubt I question whether my personal growth is frozen in this moment until the moment is written. Either way, the only thing I have to keep at arms length is my career. Luckily it’s still enough to harness my instincts.

It’s because of the friends involved.

Last week another 12 friends of mine were forced to take the next step in their career. Even though it was seen coming a long time ago, to watch them endure agony was enough to enrage me. Because up to that moment, they had a choice.

Nothing is scarier than when a choice is taken from you.

And because of the acts in last week’s play, and the way it played out, I stayed away.

Sometimes you have to go off-Radar.

Last night I was sipping iced tea in a back room club at the pub downtown when I read on my iPhone something Tat said – yes – on Facebook. It stopped me in my tracks: The thing about making a name for yourself by trying to take down someone else’s name, is that it becomes your legacy. Who wants to be remembered as that hateful bitter little person?

At first I was pissed. He just left and wasn’t happy about the discussions involving his career. He was holding it in. I thought this was his way of letting it out.

So I replied:

The old man with all the toys.

He quickly wrote back:

Why you gotta call me that LOL

Yeah, it might have been a signpost to me, but he was hitting a deeper wound. He didn’t know it. I couldn’t blame him. And after I realized that I laughed.

Sometimes when your guard is always up, you have a tendency to take aim on even the rabbits that cross your path.

There’s a fine line between Vengeance and Revenge. If a child spends his whole summer playing chess against his master before finally winning on the last day, is he a champion, or he obsessive? Should he not learn his opponents strategies? His/her openings, middle games, preffered situations to offer exchanges, and when they choose to bluff with a gambit? Not to mention the end game.

Does the ever student become the master? Every child becomes his father in some form or another. But the fine line between completion and transformation has always scared me.

Maybe it depends on intention, pending culture.

Maybe it depends on who’s the drawer.

Maybe it depends on the pencil.

Maybe.

But for my last batch of friends force to soldier on, I offer my warm prayer and a soft salutation.

And remember, when you have soldiered on, it’ll take your body about 6 weeks to adjust to the reduced level of stress. It did for me.

fear-and-loathing-in-new-buffaloSpeaking of soldiering on…

Speaking of Stress reducers, I met new friends tonight. Met them via my lawyer. We’re scheduling to do a little R&R up along the lake. I need it.

  1. Vacation
  2. “Research”

REMEMBER: If you’re gonna remember Gonzo, dabble in a little fear and loathing in a playland, you HAVE to have your lawyer with you!

No man is so foolish but he may sometimes give another good counsel, and no man so wise that he may not easily err if he takes no other counsel than his own. He that is taught only by himself has a fool for a master. – Hunter S. Thompson

(photo credits:  1. Menno Ophelia via Flickr)

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